A month has passed, the glow of sharing the creation of my blog has
waned, and in its place a cloud shaded in post-partum vulnerability. I have
been writing and re-writing, starting - stopping and not quite finishing a
single post. During this process I came across a few self-realizations.
#1 – I have a deep desire to express my own authentic voice but, didn’t
know if I could find it
#2 – I feel vulnerable when sharing things I am passionate about, for
fear of rejection
#3 – I thought I had to be perfect, then I found out perfect doesn’t
exist
There are so many people that I derive strength and inspiration from; some
of these talents I have the pleasure of personally knowing and interacting with,
while others are people that share their work through blog, books, and or
public speaking. These beautiful humans are like shiny, sparkly stars, lighting
up the world with their gifts. When I would attempt to write a post, I felt my
voice was not my own as I was attempting to emulate the voices I had been
recently inspired by. I also started to play a dangerous and ineffectual game
called, “the shame and comparison game”. Internally, peppering myself with
questions such as; How could I ever put out into the world such moving and
prolific gems as these people? What difference could I make? Who could I
inspire? Who would connect with what I had to say? With the influence and
abundance of the creative minds around me, I was left unsure and unknowing of what
my own authentic voice would sound like and if it would be accepted, listened
to, and received in the way I desired. My “Ah-Ha” moment came to me after drawing
upon one such inspirational source. In The
Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and
Embrace Who You Are - Brene Brown says, “Authenticity is a collection of
choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be
real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.” –
This, dear readers, I promise you – What I share, what I write, what I post;
will be transparent, honest, and real and come straight from my heart.
This realness, this idea of sharing and opening yourself to others is an
area where I feel vulnerable. Exposing yourself and wondering if it will be
accepted is difficult. From this thought process I derived two takeaways. First,
accepting and loving your-self is first and foremost. It is nice to be accepted
by others but, not necessary. Second, Do Hard Things. Hard things are worthy of
our attention and pursuit. When we confront what is challenging for us we
become courageous and strong, we open ourselves to experiences that allow us to
grow and shape your character and sense of person-hood.
I have been working on letting go of the idea of perfect. There are moments
of blissful release when I am able to let go of the idea of perfection and who,
what, where I should be. These moments become more and more frequent the more I
cultivate a kind and thoughtful internal dialogue. I am filled with a deep
sense of gratitude and appreciation for the moment, for who I am and where I
am. This is my work, well a piece of it anyway…Funny how a person’s work can be,
not to work, to cease poking and prodding and finding ways in which “if I just
tweaked this or manipulated this I would be just one step closer to perfect”. I
want to leave you with one more quote by the lovely Brene Brown from the same
book (she is really speaking to me right now), “Perfectionism is a self-destructive
and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect,
and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of
shame, judgment, and blame.” – Ouch, right?! Striving, reaching for, and
attaining goals are a natural and beautiful practice and helps us grow. Perfectionism
is debilitating and quite frankly, I think it is an illusory non-existent myth.
I know this is sensitive subject matter but, please feel free to comment and open dialogue on any of these subjects.
Thanks for reading
Love and Light,
Terra B.
